Being a mother means that your heart
is no longer yours; it wanders
wherever your children do.
—George Bernard Shaw
I’m sure most of you who are reading this know that I had four children in just under six years. Our daughter Kelli, who has two of the most delightful children in the world, often asks me, “Mom, how did you do it?” I usually respond, “When your dad would come home from work, I would say to him, ‘The kids are alive, I’ve done my job!’”
Parenting is a difficult journey, one that takes grit and humility and a huge amount of grace and forgiveness. Parents often vacillate between the regrets of “If only’s” and the fears of “What if’s”; I know Mark and I still do as we reflect on the ways we handled and still handle parenthood. Parents today have so much to navigate for and with their children. The world seemed smaller to me when we were raising our kids; the internet was at the cusp of reality (I think the world wide web is thirty years old this year) and began to open a Pandora’s box of all sorts of treasures and landmines. Today we all have information at the touch of a button. This is both helpful and scary as we all are aware of its blessings and curses.
One of the practices I have in the morning is reading a Psalm a day. Today is apparently the 131st day of the year, and so I am on Psalm 131. The Psalm seems appropriate for this approaching Mother’s Day:
“My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.”
This Psalm both inspires and terrifies me! You can’t adequately nurse one baby while pregnant with another, so all of my kids had different periods of time until they were fully weaned. One hilarious story was when we were all on vacation in San Diego. My youngest was nine months old at the time, and in the middle of that trip he decided he was done nursing. I was woefully unprepared and did not decide it was time, he did, and abruptly I might add! If you know anything about nursing, you know this can lead to painful consequences for the mother! He has no memory of that fateful day, but I will never forget that trip!
To “wean” implies a passage from one relationship to another. It’s not a loss or detachment from the relationship itself, but the weaning process begins the first time the baby takes food from a source other than the breast or bottle, usually around the six-month mark when babies begin to eat solid food. Actually, weaning helps the jaw, tongue and lips to move and become strong, whether the baby was naturally nursed or bottle fed. Weaning also provides opportunities for other family members and friends to feed the baby. As the baby joins the family table, they learn the social benefits of watching others eat and eating together. These are all good things.
So back to Psalm 131. What could be terrifying about this Psalm? Once a baby detaches from the mother’s breast, he or she is getting nourishment from a different source. The baby is beginning to become more independent. They are beginning to grab food with their own hands. They are experiencing new textures and likes and dislikes (Remember pureed peas in a jar?). And they are now looking into the eyes of others as they get their nourishment. So begins the journey of allowing children to explore and discover, and mothers let go in the hopes that they will be attached and bonded to their children through other means. This is hard, this mothering thing, to give our kids both roots and wings. All of us do it in imperfect ways.
As I reflected on Psalm 131 today, I imagine a God viewing me with such a loving gaze, knowing deep down that He has given me both the capabilities to stay attached or go a different way; to bless or to curse. That’s what free will is about. And just like the mother who is weaning a child, God wonders (although, in omniscience, already knows) what it will be like now that this human is moving toward more independence. “Will the child still stay connected to Me? Will the child know how much I love him or her, and that My every gaze upon them comes from a place of deep love? Will they know that the only name I will ever call them is ‘Beloved’? Will they know that I am available to them 24/7, ready to give mercy and grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16)?”
I wonder if the reason Peter wept so bitterly after his denial of Jesus was the fact that Jesus “turned and looked straight at Peter.” (Luke 22:61) This was not a look of contempt, but rather a look of love of the deepest kind, the kind of love that created us in our mother’s womb and that sent him to the cross. Both the joys and pains of weaning.
My mom has been gone for over two years now, and walking past the aisle of cards to one’s mother is still a sad journey for me, as I miss her dearly. I’m reminded that throughout my mom’s life, she did not have a mother of her own, as her mother Rosie died when she was five years old, leaving her the youngest of ten children. The reality of that hit me in a new way when I visited her a month before she died at the end of 2020. It led to a new appreciation and compassion for my mom as she grew up and raised six kids of her own without having the modeling of her own mother throughout her life. I must say, she handled it as best she could in the chaotic political climate of the 50’s and 60’s and on one salary of a self-employed husband. I admire her grit and devotion as she kept us on the straight and narrow. I always felt provided for even though money was tight. I now see these things as great blessings in my life, as I never doubted her love.
These next words apply to both men and women, but men will also have their special holiday in June and perhaps I will repeat these words again for them….
For some of us, Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of absence and grief. For others, it may bring up memories of abandonment, neglect, or even abuse. If that was your experience, please know how sorry I am for that deep pain.
For all of you women out there, whether you are biological mothers or nurturers to other’s children as caretakers, teachers, aunts, mentors, or friends, remember that God sees you. He loves you. His loving gaze is always on you as you imperfectly navigate life with or without little people under your constant watch. As we navigate the complexities this life holds, remember He is not surprised by anything that has happened. He holds you in the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16), He collects your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8), and He will never forget you (Isaiah 49:15). As George Bernard Shaw wrote in these beginning lines about mothers, so it is with God: His heart is in you and with you; He wanders wherever you do and shepherds you with great care. To this, you can be assured. AMEN.
